Dear God I miss my mother! She died on April 28, 1981 and hell ,I was not ready to let her go.I needed her . I still need her by times. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. Sometimes with a smile and sometimes with a tear.
I remember being a teenager and hating her with all my might .I think I might have told her that on occasion. She’d look at me and say “Go ahead and hate me.” I wish I could take those words back. I wish I could tell her how very right she was . I wish she were here to tell me, I was only a kid .Once words are out they can’t be taken back. And dammit they hurt. I know because my own children have said or thought that of me. The first time I heard it ,I thought I would die. But I didn’t. The kids were preteens and just starting to feel their adolecent oats.
I was devastated until I thought of mamma and how I said the same things to her. Of how I ran away when there were dishes to be done,or how I thought she loved everybody more than me. Feeling sorry for myself because “nobody” understood me.
When I look back on it now, I could kick myself seven ways to Sunday. I think God screwed up . We should be older first and then get younger. That would avoid all the hurtful things we say when we are young.
She’d say “Go ahead and hate me! You still aren’t doing that and I don’t care what your so called friends are doing!” I’d curse under my breath and run away to the place in my mind where she didn’t exist. I never understood how much grief she saved me.
If I could change anything in my life ,it would be the way I treated my mamma. I’d have done those dishes without complaint. I’d have been in the house before curfew. I’d have been a better daughter. But it is much too late now. If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there’d be no need for tinkers hands!
My children are what they are. No ,they don’t always love me. Sometimes they don’t even like me.But I hope they know that I love them, even when they hate me. I love them enough to let them hate me.
I just hope that mamma knows that even when I thought she was the dumbest person in the universe, that I loved her more than I can express. If I were a wise person ,I would say to kids today ” You only have one mamma, and she won’t be there forever. Love her while you can”
Wherever you are Mamma, I love you! happy Mother’s Day!
Having your own children changes everything. Makes you realize what an asshole you’ve been, and what being a parent – even being a human being – is really all about. Unfortunately, not every child grows up to experience that incredible transformation from child to parent. But I have, and I’m glad I did.
I fully expect to feel the wrath of my kids someday, and I hope my own past won’t be too far from my mind to help soften the blow.
And for the record, I love you, Mamma.